When Body Language Goes Bad by Scott Adams

Author:Scott Adams [Admas, Scott]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-4494-1763-5
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
Published: 2011-03-24T16:00:00+00:00

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Introduction

My body speaks several languages and that’s not counting the stuff that comes out of my mouth. For example, my knees speak the African clicking language for the first few hours after I wake up. It’s a sarcastic sound and I assume they are mocking me. I plan to record it someday and have it translated, as soon as I can find the African clicking embassy.

My face likes to send messages that are wholly independent from my brain. Sometimes my brain will be thinking a happy thought such as “I like cookies” while my face is saying, “I buried a salesman in my basement.” This phenomenon worsens when I’m deep in thought. I’ll be mentally writing my next hilarious Dilbert episode in my head while wandering around at the mall and the next thing I know children are screaming and the townspeople are gathering torches. That, along with the fact that my clothing size is pi, is why I hate shopping.

Needless to say, I am what you might call “unapproachable.” I have been going to the same gym for the past ten years and no stranger has ever tried to start a conversation with me. Part of the problem is that when I lift anything heavier than a cotton ball I contort my face as if someone had just driven a railroad spike through my thigh. And on the odd occasion where I initiate conversation—say to ask if a piece of equipment is available—I am handicapped by a severe propensity to mumble. I can overcome the mumbling after I get warmed up, but because I work at home, I often go for hours with no human contact. So my first few words after a silent stretch always come off sounding like a demonic threat.

Me: “Are you done with that piece of equipment?”

What they hear: “I will disembowel you and send your soul to the Dark Region!”

Luckily, both interpretations give me immediate and unlimited use of the equipment. I guess I can’t complain.

www.dilbert.com

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